You Can't Be Serious?
by Venn364
Summary: A series of Jokes and random one-shots based around the Naruto chracters. Cos we all know Orochmaru is a pedo, Kakashi is with Iruka, nothing is scarier then the blonds having a 'good' idea and Tsunade is a closet perv with the whole itcha itcha series XD
1. The Plane Joke

**Some serious randomness. I need a life :) I'll add to this once a week provided I get 5 reviews. :)**

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Sarutobi, Zabuza and Orochimaru all board a plane with the Konoha 12 as they were just before the Chunin exams.

Sarutobi was having a vacation from his duties as Hokage. Zabuza had an argument with Haku about how they would decorate their house in the Shinigami's domain (don't ask). And Orochimaru wanted to check out any potential new sex slav... err... I mean bodies.

Soon after the plane takes off Naruto and Sasuke get in a fight and inadvertently damage the plane causing it to begin to crash.

Unfortunately due to Akamaru and Kiba chewing on random things there are only three parachutes left.

With only seconds left til they crash Sarutobi and Zabuza get in an argument.

Sarutobi yells "Save the children!"

Zabuza yells "Screw the children!"

Orochimaru quickly counts them and asks "Do we have time?"


	2. Should of Seen it Coming

**This is a Sasuke based spoof/parody/whatever. This didn't turn out nearly as well as I thought it would but anyway here it is.**

**Because we all know to read between the lines and consider all the possibilities. lol**

**Oh yeah, I own nothing but the plot :)**

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Sasuke & Orochimaru – He should have seen it coming

Sasuke was not amused. Actually he was rather horrified. Actually, horrified was putting it mildly, as was mortified and petrified, which you may notice are three words that mean almost the exact same thing. Sasuke was, in short, ready to return to Konoha, gouge out his eyes, dye his hair pink and wear "Itachi Rocks" t-shirts. He hadn't signed up for this. He had wanted to train, he wanted to learn new things and he wanted to gain the power to kill Itachi for Kami's sake so why was this happening to him?!

In hindsight he probably should have paid more attention to what this training would require. He should have taken the words for what they meant in every prospect and thought of every possible outcome of things. When the snake had said he wanted his body he merely assumed that the man would be taking over after Sasuke killed Itachi. He never, even for one second, thought he would have to endure this beforehand. He was an _Uchiha,_ these things shouldn't happen to him. Hell he wouldn't wish this on his brother and that was saying something.

When Orochimaru and his newest 'assistant' had gotten back from Snow Country Sasuke had immediately started searching for a place to hide. Kabuto had been unusually helpful in helping him hide from the jutsu obsessed teenage boy hungry Sannin and he pointed him towards a hiding spot in the dungeons. That wasn't where he was now though. After successfully hiding out in that surprisingly coloured part of the base _(and deciding this was definitely where Orochimaru did some of his more questionable 'experiments')_, he had been smuggled to his current hiding spot by his most recent, and most obsessive, fangirl Karin. He only realised how narrowly he had escaped when he heard a disturbingly high pitched squeal of frustration and realised the Snake was in the very location he had vacated just moments before.

But still, he couldn't believe he hadn't seen it coming. He had heard of his master's more unusual tendencies from Naruto who had heard it from an extremely drunk Jiraya, who had experienced these horrors first hand. That was probably why the toad sage had turned out with such and understanding of exactly how certain clothes hid things of the female and male bodies, then again, the shameless peeping the man did also likely had something to do with it.

So here he was hiding in a cupboard, hiding from the great Hebi Sannin Orochimaru. And to make things worse, there was a mop poking him in the back and any movements he might make to dislodge it from poking his spine would no doubt alert the deranged psychopath to his current location. So he would just have to... was that a bird? What was a bird doing hundreds of metres underground, in the lair of one of the most feared men in history? More to the point why was it in the cupboard with him and why hadn't he noticed it earlier. Oh, right. It was dead. That's fine he could deal with dead things. Unless it started to smell. Actually it looked pretty recent, probably only a few hours old. Huh.

Then, he heard it, the sound that would be his undoing. The most horrible, unbelievably high pitched and, oddly enough, girly voice; that would subject him to the most unbelievable torture in the world.

"Sasuke I need you in here! I found the most adorable little skirt I need you to try on for when I take over your body. I'll teach you a new jutsu if you come out! Oh if only females had the vast amounts of chakra I need to perform my stolen jutsu"

Sasuke sighed and came out of the cupboard, swallowing his fear of the pink and frilly and slowly making his way to where he could hear Orochimaru's voice calling from. Really, if he had thought about it, he should have seen this coming.

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This was written because I think it is very possible that Orochimaru always wanted to be a girl and is obsessed with teen and preteen males. Read and review guys! If you have any suggestions for a humour one-shot or joke that you would like me to parody then let me know and I will do my best to accommodate you.


	3. The Banana Incident

**Not really sure how this one turned out. It was a special request from a mate of mine. Tell me what you think.**

**Dedicated to Kara who wanted a fic involving a banana, an iron bar shaped into a heart, a guy angsting over his love life and War & Peace by Tolstoy. **** Enjoy everyone XD**

**Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto. Get over it.**

**Lee & Neji & Sasuke – The Banana Incident**

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"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Lee"

"Hai, Neji-san?"

"Why do I have an iron bar shaped into a heart around my neck?"

"I am unsure. However, it looks most YOUTHFUL on you" Lee did the nice guy pose complete with crazy tooth flash after he said this. The birds flying around the field were all blinded and killed themselves running into trees.

".................................................I hate you"

"..."

"Grr... stupid bar!" 'Why does my ass hurt?'

"..."

"GET OVER MY FUCKING HEAD!"

"...Neji-san"

"What is it now Lee?"

"Why are we in the middle of a field?"

"I don't know Lee"

"..."

"..."

"...Neji-san?"

"WHAT!?"

"It's nothing really..."

"Lee" The eyebrow tick began to emerge on Neji's exposed brow

"Not really important at all..."

"Lee" The tick evolved into a full out throbbing anime vein

"I just figured you might want to know..."

"LEE! JUST HURRY UP AND FUCKING SAY IT!"

Everyone, Mt Neji has just erupted.

"Neji-san, there is a strange yellow object poking out the back of your pants"

"..." 'That explains a lot'

"Neji-san, you should probably also know that Uchiha Sasuke-san is sitting a few feet away with a similarly shaped yellow object by his side"

Neji's blood ran cold.

"I fucking hate you Hyuuga" Sasuke growled, "You guys were supposed to be helping me ask out Sakura! Not get drunk and fucking screw everything up"

'Screw being the operative word' Thought Neji carefully keeping his face neutral even as Lee scrambled in front of the Uchiha and began apologising profusely

Sasuke continued with his rant, seemingly unaware of the green-spandex clad boy grovelling for forgiveness in front of him. "What kind of men are you anyway? Who the hell gets drunk off one cup of sake and destroys the bar!" It was obvious that he hadn't heard of Lee's history with alcohol. Neji just drunk a hell of a lot faster so that by the time Lee was drunk enough to destroy things, Neji was drunk enough not to remember and could accuse the emptiness of his wallet of being from drinking too much instead of paying off damages from Lee's latest drunken escapades.

"I had to pay fucking damages to six different bars! SIX FUCKING BARS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CASH THAT IS!?"

"I have some idea" 'I still need to finish paying off that place in Wind Country'

Leaving Sasuke to angst over his now empty wallet and extremely large debt Neji quickly set about freeing the strange yellow object from his ass. Needless to say realising you've had a banana stuck up your ass is not a pleasant realisation.

"Just how drunk did we get last night" He vaguely remembered getting into a fight with Lee about some of the finer points of War & Peace by Tolstoy. He remembered Sasuke waving a banana about and angsting to said piece of fruit about how he had no idea how to ask out Sakura and how she was sure to reject him (Sasuke had been trying to kill both her and Naruto not two months ago, which might have something to do with that train of thought). Lee had then declared that he would be the one to get the "Most beautiful and glorious youthful lotus blossom Haruno Sakura-san's heart!" (direct quote there) Then he remembered Lee challenging Sasuke, and then pain, a lot of pain.

Sighing and glancing over to where Sasuke was still angsting over his bills and Lee was still begging for forgiveness for whatever it was that he had done Neji decided that he was mast definitely better off not remembering what had happened that night.

Of course when three weeks later his girlfriend still couldn't look him right in the face without laughing he had to ask her why.

"Neji-kun" she said giggling "War and Peace should not be re-enacted by a drunken idiot in spandex wielding a pipe and ranting about his love for Sakura-chan. And you, Neji-kun...you should never be allowed near fruit ever, ever again" With that she walked away, still giggling to herself.

Yes, it was definitely best he didn't remember.

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**I hope this was funny. Remember suggestions are very welcome. I will do my best to accommodate anyone who makes one. Next week I will be posting _Hinata – Snapped_ as requested by dragonluv13.**


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